How have we used our 100 words this week?

Erin Week 19

I was walking down dark, dirty and dusty queens road. I walked past  Mickeys church. Someone told me that it is haunted and a little boy who was 5 years old got murdered in 1993 by a priest ! Nobody ever dared to go inside it ever again. I ran passed just in case but something touched me … a hand…’’ AHHHHHHHHH” i was so scared i wanted to cry ‘’ HELP ME PLEASE ‘’ nobody heard ‘’ SHUT UP YOUNG BOY’’yelled the man in a black suit . He whispered ‘’ say your last words!’’ …..

 

Posted by on January 27th, 2015 at 1:37 pm and tagged  | Comments & Trackbacks (3)




3 Responses to “Erin Week 19”

  1.   Ross Mannell (Team 100WC) Says:

    Hello Erin,

    Well, you certainly know how to tell a creepy story. You set the scene from the first sentence as we travelled down Queens Road past Mickey’s Church and learned of the tragedy that befell a boy. History moves into the now when a man in a black suit seems intent on adding one more young life to the tally. Well done.

    I can see you have tried to take care with spelling and punctuation. Again, well done. There are some minor errors you missed when editing. As an example, look how your second last sentence might have been written…
    I was so scared I cried out, ‘’HELP ME! PLEASE!”
    …but nobody heard.
    “SHUT UP YOUNG BOY!” yelled a man in a black suit.
    The small changes are only suggestions. You are the writer and I can see you are developing your own style.

    I hope you can continue entering the 100WC. With your imagination and ability to build tension, you should share your ideas. In a future prompt we might learn the fate of the boy.

    Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)
    Teacher (retired), N.S.W., Australia

  2.   Mrs C (Team 100) Says:

    Erin, how scary! It is a great storyline and you have chosen some good vocabulary, such as, haunted, dusty and dared. I particularly like the alliteration in the opening sentence. I am sure you know that names of places need a capital letter (Queens Road), so if this is something you sometimes forget, make sure you read your work carefully when you have completed it.There are a couple of other missed capital letters, can you see spot them? The ending is fab! It leaves the reader thinking, but not knowing for sure, that the boy will be killed. You mention someone in black, so the reader suspects it is the priest, but is it? A fantastic mystery, well done.

  3.   Fiona (Team 100WC) Says:

    What an exciting, scary story Erin- I was on the edge of my seat by the end! I liked the alliteration in your first sentence and your descriptions allowed me to see your story unfolding in my head. Well done- keep up the good work.
    Fiona (Team 100WC)

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