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Amazing work at Riders!

This is Mercedes’ first ‘go’ at story writing. Mercedes has recently caught the ‘reading bug’ after reading some of my suggestions and – wow – has she taken off! Please leave an encouraging and useful comment for Mercedes. I think this is AMAZING!


Darcy stared blankly up at her bedroom ceiling, the mirror she’d stuck up there in 8th grade reminded her of all the tear stained memories her and Ben had shared. But none of them mattered now. He was gone. Vanished from the world by an old Ford Fiesta. Hit and run. So common nowadays. Always the same place, always the same time, always Chevering Street, on the outskirts of New Jersey. Chevering Street: specific hit and run destination in the USA. That was last years biggest news headline.

Darcys thoughts were interrupted as the ringing chime of the doorbell filled her ears. She glanced out of the window to see who it was. Mr and Mrs Marvelo. The parents of her dead bestfriend, Ben Marvelo. ‘Not now’ , she thought. For a split second, she thought her Mother or even her Father would open the door. But no. They were on the other side of the earth, England, Birmingham, to be exact.
Darcy blinked slowly as she arose from her laying position. Abruptly, the doorbell sounded again. Darcy ran to the stairs speedily, whilst her mind wondered why the Marvelo’s were here.

After she’d opened the door, it was like there was a wall between them, as the silence, in time, disintegrated; Mrs Marvelo flung her arms around Darcy’s neck. However, Darcy’s eyes weren’t on Mrs Marvelo, they were closed. Trying to hold back the tears, but failing, Mr Marvelo cleared his throat roughly. “I think, I think you know why we’re here Darcy, am I correct?” He questioned unknowingly. “N-no I don’t Mr Marvelo,” Darcy choked. It was then she realised he was holding two envelopes, one thick and the other thin. Then it dawned on her that the envelopes weren’t just any old envelopes. They were invitations. Funeral invitations. Confusion spread across her face as she took the two envelopes when they were handed to her.
“One is a letter we found adressed to you from Ben, the other is an invi-invitation. The larger one holds two letters. One from Ben, and one from your parents,” Darcy looked sorrowfully at Mr. Marvelo, who had been close with his music-loving, heart-throbbing son. Suddenly, her phone vibrated in her pocket. It was her Mother. “Sorry, I have to take this,” She mouthed the word ‘Mum’ as she answered the IPhone 5C. “Hey Mu-,” she was interrupted by her middle-aged Mother. “Get out of the house. Your home alone, your not safe,” Darcy thought she was going mad, ‘not safe’. “Mum I’m not home alone, the maid is here,” Mrs Maclain threw a startled look to her sleeping husband, “Darcy, pack a bag, take my purse and your Fathers wallet and get. Out. Of. The. House.” “Why?” She replied. “We don’t have a maid!” Darcy stood there. Astonished. Frozen. Scared.
“The Marvelo’s are here mom, I’m sure they’ll keep me safe,” Darcy finally said after a long moment of silence. Hope rose is Mrs Maclain’s eyes as she told her daughter what to do.”Tell Mr Maclain that Zreeda has found us and that he is looking for Arozeth. Tell him that Sartron isn’t dead! I love you!” With that she screamed. The phone line went dead.
“Mom! Mom! No!” Tears rushed down her face as the phone fell to the ground. “Mr Marvelo, somethings has happened to my mom and dad. She said,” she could barely speak, “she said to tell you that Zreeda found them and that he is looking for someone called Arozeth.” Mr Marvelo looked at his wife. His face was mixed with concern, anger and urgentness. “Did she say anything else? It is crucial that you tell me everything!” He exclaimed.
Darcy knew she could trust him. “She said Sartron is alive.” Mrs Marvelo did something Darcy never thought she would do, with her son dying. She smiled.

Please say improvements!!!

26 Comments to

“Amazing work at Riders!”

  1. February 26th, 2014 at 12:33 pm      Reply Mrs T Says:

    Wow Mercedes, just… WOW!

    I can tell this is mostly inspired by a certain book but do try to bring in ideas from other books added with a bit of Mercedes imagination and vocabulary.

    Your vocabulary is impressive but you’ve used ‘urgentness’ when it should read ‘urgency’ and we need to chat about your speech punctuation to make it a little easier for your reader to understand who is speaking. Remember: new speaker, new line. There are also a few times when you could us : or ; to show links between sentences – but well done for using the ones that you have (we’ve only started learning about colons and semi-colons last week!)

    I can’t wait to read more! (You HAVE to finish this now!) 🙂

    I will post a link to this on twitter and hopefully you will get some more useful comments 🙂

    I am VERY proud of you.

  2. February 26th, 2014 at 12:43 pm      Reply Mrs Jones Says:

    How amazing – I have goose bumps reading this! Simply brilliant.

  3. February 26th, 2014 at 5:33 pm      Reply gran & Con Says:

    Very well done Mercedes

  4. February 26th, 2014 at 8:25 pm      Reply Mrs Parker Says:

    This writing is so amazing. There is true talent there. Well done!

  5. February 26th, 2014 at 8:39 pm      Reply Mercedes Mum Says:

    Words cannot express how proud I am Mercedes 🙂 very very well done xx

  6. February 26th, 2014 at 8:41 pm      Reply Mrs Edmonds Says:

    This is AMAZING. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this Mercedes, well done. I think this proves how having ‘the reading bug’ can really spark a person’s imagination 🙂

  7. February 26th, 2014 at 8:53 pm      Reply Mercedes Says:

    Miss, like OMG. 4 yes FOUR teachers said it was good. Like wow!!!


    • February 26th, 2014 at 9:13 pm      Reply Mrs T Says:

      Have a look at the ‘Live Traffic Feed’ on the right hand side of the screen. I can see visitors looking at your writing on the blog from various locations in the UK and Newtonville in Massachusetts (USA). You’re going to have to finish it now!

      And I’m glad you’ve used your ‘writer’s voice’ and not the ‘Mercedes’ voice’ that you’ve used in the comment! You’re definitely able to adapt your voice!!

      Mrs Tunnicliffe 🙂

  8. February 26th, 2014 at 8:56 pm      Reply Miss Payne Says:

    Loved reading this and want to read more please =)

    So many different emotions in such a short piece of writing and I believed it all. I like the mix of drama (grief, loss, tragedy, fantasy) and everyday (mouthing “Mum” and having to take a call).

    Thank you for sharing =)

  9. February 26th, 2014 at 9:20 pm      Reply Mrs Raistrick Says:

    Mercedes, this is a BRILLIANT piece of writing, you have made me want to read more! Please continue or finish this story soon.

  10. February 26th, 2014 at 9:21 pm      Reply Andrew Macrae Says:

    Great Writing! I want to let you know how powerful writing is. I am a teacher in Boston in the USA. Someone retweeted your teacher’s blog and I found your writing. I am going to read it to my class tomorrow.
    Writing is especially valuable when it is shared with others, so great job. You asked for some feedback and improvements and that is important too!
    My only suggestion is that maybe you could take a new line when a different speaker talks. That would help to make the dialogue a little easier to follow. Well done and I hope you are happy to know that some American kids will be enjoying your writing tomorrow.
    Mr Macrae

  11. February 26th, 2014 at 9:45 pm      Reply Mercedes Says:

    Miss, I looked! There was like 16 people reading it! 🙂 Yay!!!!

  12. February 26th, 2014 at 9:49 pm      Reply Mercedes Says:

    I just counted miss. FORTY EIGHT views from all around england. How did they find my work?

  13. February 27th, 2014 at 9:11 am      Reply Mrs Zammit Says:

    Mercedes this is just fabulous! I enjoyed reading it so much, you showed such a mature understanding of the characters’ feelings, especially considering you were dealing with really complex themes like grief and loss.

    I have a couple of tips for you. Firstly just a quick grammar point – you only need capital letters for words like “Mother,” and “Father,” if you’re using them in the context of a name, i.e. as a proper noun. For example, “Mother, may I have second helpings of potatoes please?” In that sense Mother is her name and therefore needs a capital, but when it’s used as a common noun you don’t need the capital – e.g. Her mother told her to go upstairs.

    Secondly, my favourite part of your writing was that AMAZING simile, “it was like there was a wall of silence between them, as the silence, in time, disintegrated.” What an incredibly powerful image! I just wondered if it would be even stronger as a metaphor? That would also help you to avoid repeating the word “silence.” For example you could have, “the wall of silence between them, in time, disintegrated.” Just a thought!

    Your writing is simply stunning, I can’t wait to see more of your work. I’m especially excited to see if you can transfer the amazing skills you’ve shown here to other settings – maybe a different period of time or a different country? You’ve got a fabulous future as a writer ahead of you, well done!

  14. February 27th, 2014 at 10:02 pm      Reply paig 6p Says:

    merc this is amazing loved every single bit of it cant wait to read more!KEEP IT UP :)XX

  15. February 28th, 2014 at 4:29 pm      Reply Mercedes Paxton Says:

    Thanks teachers! And thanks Paige x

  16. February 28th, 2014 at 7:01 pm      Reply Sam Emmonds Says:

    Well done Mercedes, keep up the brilliant work. Very proud of you xx

  17. March 1st, 2014 at 7:18 pm      Reply katie, 6p Says:

    Merk that is amazing love to read more xxx

  18. March 8th, 2014 at 8:23 pm      Reply ellie-may hackett and teigan smith Says:

    thats amazing PLEASE DO MORE MERK !!!!!!

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